Ways to Annoy the Hell out of People

1. Put your face really close to theirs while they’re facing a different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them jump when they turn to face you.

2. Copy their actions and everything they say.

3. Step on the backs of their heels while they’re walking.

4. Yell across a crowded room to them: “Hey, John, the results came back from the V.D. clinic: we’re clean!”

5. In a communal shower or shower house, turn the hot water all the way up and the cold water all the way down (or vice versa) while they’re rinsing the shampoo out of their hair and can’t see anything. Or, when you’re finished showering, go outside and turn the main valve off.

6. Pretend you don’t understand what they’re saying, no matter how much they yell and how slowly they say it.

7. When somebody asks, “Hey, did you get a haircut?” reply, “No, all of them.”

8. When somebody asks, “Do you have the time?” reply, “Yeah.”

9. If you have a dot matrix printer, leave the little computer paper tracks on the paper when turning in a report or essay.

10. Ask an artist, “It’s not finished yet, is it?”

11. On a summer day, ask anybody, “Hot enough for ya?”(NOTE: Proper response to this question is to hit offender in the face and ask, “Hurt enough for you?”)

12. Sign someone up on a junk mail list.

13. Go into a frozen yogurt joint where they have lots of toppings. Order a cup, and say to the guy, in the most annoying tone imaginable, “Do you have M&M’s? Yeah? Good. How ’bout raisins? Yeah, and sprinkles. Do you have cookie crumbs?” After he has proceeded to put them on the yogurt, exclaim, “I hate cookie crumbs. They make me sick. I can’t even smell them, that’s how much I hate them. Aagh, yuck!” Watch the salesperson fume as he is forced to throw away the entire cup.

14. Walk into a store that has a sign that says, “Have a penny? Give a penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!” with a HUGE jar of pennies. Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.

15. Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.

16. Take a pencil, stick a piece of chewed gum onto it, and stick it to the ground. Then wait for some cheap-o to come along and try to pick it up.

17. Play ‘Penis.’

18. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.

19. Tell someone, “Okay, here’s what you do: bite down on both your pinky nails really hard for about thirty seconds, and then when I tell you that time is up, link your pinkies and pull really hard.” If they ask, “Why?” tell them that it feels really neat. If done correctly, this trick should cause excruciating pain.

20. Engage someone in a conversation, and have a friend sneak up behind them, and get down on his hands and knees. Then, all of a sudden, violently push the person to whom you are talking, and laugh with sadistic glee as they tumble backwards over the person kneeling behind them.

21. Tell someone, “Man, your hands smell bad!” When they try to smell their hand, smack it so it hits their face. This one can also be performed with a piece of pie. When they lean down to smell the pie, grab the back of their head and smoosh it into the pie.

22. After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone, “My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way.”

23. Walk up behind somebody wearing a button down shirt or a short sleeved collar shirt, insert your finger into the little strip of fabric sewn across the top just below the collar, yell “FAG TAG!” at the top of your lungs, and rip it off.

24. Give somebody a grundy.

25. Pinch a guy’s nipple. You may also pinch a girl’s nipple if you please, but this falls under ’101 Ways to Sexually Harass People.’

26. Leave the following message on someone’s answering machine: “Sir, we’re not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don’t like it, we can probably take it out, but we’ll have to charge you extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks.”

27. Tell somebody that’s wearing velcro shoes or slip-ons that their shoelaces are untied.

28. Tell lots of puns.

29. Be a Jew for Jesus.

30. Give somebody a Wet Willy.

31. Turn somebody’s radio up all the way and turn their windshield wipers on while the car is off.

32. Take a stick of gum out of it’s paper and foil wrapper, then carefully re-fold the foil wrapper and stick it back into the
paper wrapper. Offer this to someone as a stick of gum.

33. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket.

34. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital warts.

35. Delete somebody’s AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.

36. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it. The first time, they’ll try to brush it away. The second time they’ll swat at it, and smack themselves. Generally, the third time they turn around and look behind themselves.

37. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or cigarette. Let the ash get really long, and pretend you don’t
notice everybody staring at it, waiting for it to fall.

38. When they’re about half way through with it, remove one piece from the box of a jigsaw puzzle, and throw it away.

39. Hide the remote control.

40. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary. When they tell you that there’s no Gary there, call again a little while later. Do this at intervals about four times. Finally, when they’re fuming and about to scream bloody murder, call a fifth time, and say, “Hi, this is Gary. Are there any messages for me?”

41. Take a deck of cards, and say, “Okay, I’m gonna do a magic trick.” Ask the person to pick any card, and put it anywhere in the deck. After they have shuffled the deck thoroughly, take the deck back. Ask, “What was your card?” When they tell you, say, “Not only has your card magically come to the top of the deck, but it has also
magically turned into…” Pick up the top card, look at it, and name it.

42. When somebody is talking very excitedly at a restaurant, pick up their plate, hand it to them, and nod gravely. Wait for them to notice and wonder why they are holding their plate.

43. Exclaim in a crowded theater, “No, I won’t touch you there for a dollar! No, not two dollars, either!”

44. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream, “Booga booga!” or any other such exclamation loudly. This works extremely well on high strung people.

45. Be chronically late. Not really late, but always be about five or seven minutes late. This really gets anal retentive people. I know.

46. Shave with someone else’s razor. For some reason, a lot of people are really touchy about that. Once again, I know.

47. Once again at a restaurant, one with a candle in the middle of the table, while someone is up before the food has come, take their plate, hold the bottom rim over the candle, and rotate it so you get a lot of soot on the bottom of the plate. When they come back, say, “I’m going to hypnotize you. Pick up your plate in your left hand, and with your right hand, copy all my actions.” Proceed to rub your index finger around the bottom rim of your plate, and in
a circle on your forehead. Then around the rim, and each of your eyes. Keep going, with different parts of the face, until they notice.

48. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else has had a chance to read it.

49. Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps.

50. Go into a locker room with a pocket knife, and cut off all the shoelaces that are hanging out of the lockers.

51. When someone asks, “Are there any questions?” ask, “Where do babies come from?”

52. Step on someone’s feet, and push them backwards.

53. Take their hat.

54. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and read this out loud.

55. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over and put up just the rear windows. In a convertible, this looks REALLY stupid.

56. Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour, and send it to somebody.

57. At a fast food restaurant, push down the bubbles on the drink tops of everybody’s drink.

58. Crack all your knuckles. A lot of people can’t stand fingers, and I know some people who have almost fainted upon the cracking of the neck.

59. Sing, “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves…” over and over again to the tune of the first two lines of The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

60. Pay for an item at a store with all pennies.

61. When you’re out of the house all night for a weekend, leave your clock-radio on for it’s normal wake-up time of about 6:30 or 7:30, and turn the volume up.

62. At a red light, put your car in gear and creep slowly forward, while gesturing to the person in the car next to you that they must be rolling backwards.

63. Drive with your brights on just to see how many people flash their lights at you.

64. Tailgating can be one of the most effective forms of annoyance know to man.

65. Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of, “Hey, did you hear what happened to Jim? Well he was with…oh, man, I really shouldn’t tell you this. No, I promised I wouldn’t tell. No, I can’t tell you, sorry.”

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